Texas White Fright

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Texas has had a full week of showing its weakness.  If the liberals want to totally take over Texas, they should make it eternal winter.  Texas drivers are largely inept in anything above a dusting of snow.  And, if the liberals can arrange ice on the roads and bribe a few snow plow drivers, they could take over the northern part of the state within days!

To protect Texas from any unseemly interest, I am offering a bit of advice to those drivers who are proud of their Texas heritage yet willing to admit they could use a little advice when they are behind the steering wheel in sub-freezing temperatures.

  1. Crowds are not your friend.  If you want to play “Lemmings” and follow the car crowd to an uncertain destination with an even more uncertain time, please ignore this rule. Saying, “The freeway is always the best way.” is wrong.
  2. Put down the cigs and cell phone so both hands can be on the steering wheel.
  3. It is okay to slow down going around corners.  In fact, it is recommended.
  4. Your windshield wipers are your friends.  If they freeze up, cursing at them will not help.
  5. Your brakes will still help you stop, but not as quickly as normal.
  6. If you see a snow plow….oh, never mind.
  7. It is strongly recommended you don’t tailgate like you often do; you aren’t that good of a driver.
  8. If you are from the north, you may have a tendency to get over confident while laughing at the other drivers.  Since many of them have trucks, any damage they suffer from sliding is likely to be minimal.
  9. When you can still plainly see the grass but the snow is still coming, closings are in your future.  (My daughters had 2.5 days off of school this week with an early dismissal on Friday.  B-ball games were cancelled.  Men’s retreats were cancelled.  The world is imploding and only August and 110 degree temperatures can save us!)
  10. If someone says, “I can’t drive in the snow.  I am afraid.”, don’t try and talk them out of it.  If they don’t have the confidence or the comfort, it is a losing battle.  You may want to try and take them to am empty church parking lot and help them to realize snow does not defy any laws of physics.  It is just a slight modification to the driving physics they are most familiar with.
  11. “It is beautiful.” is an accurate description of snow, but it is a comment best reserved for when you are not behind the steering wheel with cars anxious to get around you.

I am not a fan of snow either.  I hate it!  It and its ilk (freezing rain mostly) are part of the reason I am in Texas.  I acquired my “ice driving” reflexes the old fashioned way.  I did not get hypnotized and learn to spin the steering wheel the opposite direction you intuitively think you should spin it.  I went in the ditch a few times and maybe even had a slight ding or two to the car.  When snow is an anomaly and not an expected yearly evil, it is easier to stay in your home and pretend you are at a ski lodge that doesn’t have any skiing.

If you are on the political left, gather your forces.  Dress up like tow truck drivers and insurance adjusters.  North Texas is ripe for the picking!

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