A KIDNAPPERS MANIFESTO
Andy Gruenbaum is being held for rransom. The ransom is set at $1,000,000. In the case you have any hesitation in honoring our ransom demands, a bio/personality review is being provided. After realizing how serious we were in our demands, Mr. Gruenbaum provided this information. Additional instructions will follow. Let the remainder of the information be a testimony to the possible value of your $1,000,000.
Since no one else seems to have the money to release Andrew, we are coming to you in the hope that you will part with some of your recent lottery winnings. If you willrecall, Andy is a former student of yours. He mentioned you as being an instructor he enjoyed during his MBA program. He also referred to you as being a right-brained person who has true feelings for others. He is hoping you will act on those feeling as you continue to read this letter. His family misses him terribly, but they will settle for the nice life insurance settlement if he is not returned.
You might ask, “Why would you kidnap Mr. Gruenbaum?”. The answer is simple. If he would have written us a couple of checks to assist us in keeping the doors of ourcharity open, none of this would have happened. Because he suspected our charity of being a scam, he constantly abused and was rude to our telemarketing personnel. His actions have placed his life in the precarious position it is now. Of course, cash will not completely repair our damaged pride, but it certainly will not hurt. If you continue to read, we believe you will realize the value of your ransom payment. If you stop reading now, you will be jeopardizing Mr. Gruenbaum’s life.
As previously mentioned, Mr. Gruenbaum has provided us with all of the enclosed pages in the hope you will remember him. He received an excellent grade on his paper when he turned it in 3 years ago, and he believes your rereading of them will encourage you to pay the ransom.
Please read the “Mission Statement” now.
It certainly would be a loss to let such a good person reach an untimely demise, don’t you think? We certainly do. He has been a token example of how a kidnapee should act. We like a prisoner who can take his beatings well.
After browsing through Andrew’s diary, we bring you some of his accomplishments since completing your class almost 3 years ago.
Andrew has been employed by Applied Innovation for five years. After a year of the MBA program, his employer created a marketing position for him. The challenges of being a webmaster were forcing Andy to be less and less creative, and more and more of a programmer. Marketing allowed Andy to use his more creative side, and to keep the detailed part of his work to a minimum. The ability to telecommute two days per week and work in a position he enjoys has made Andrew a loyal employee.
The continued flexibility in his employment combined with all the free time Andy had available after completing his MBA program, allowed Andy to start a small internet consulting company, The Gruenbaum Group. Andy is primarily in charge of sales while his five part-time employees help him complete the work. The security of a secondary income allows Andy to keep the pressures of work in perspective. If he loses his day job, it will give him the opportunity to spend more time on his own business.
Since graduating last year, the Gruenbaums have added another son to their household. Three children keep the household very busy. Dishes and diapers are always piling up, but young families experience a lot of both of these.
Andy is running for a school board position this fall for the local school district. Once he starts a career in public service he is not sure where it will lead him. If he can continue to take on positions of greater responsibility without sacrificing his family, he may continue moving up through the public service ranks.
If his most recent accomplishments and his love of family are not enough to convince you that he is worth our $1,000,000 demand, then let us spell it out a little more clearly.
Please read the “Self Analysis” now.
Andrew seemed to be very honest as he addressed his strengths and weaknesses. He obviously did not see kidnapping as a threat. We prefer to view his circumstances as an opportunity to see what he is really worth.
Please read the “Competencies” now.
We would hate to see this talent go to waste, but we are willing to try if you ignore our requests. Good thing Andrew does not list piano playing as an area forimprovement; his abilities will soon be two digits short of two full hands.
If you have read this far, Andy must have been accurate in thinking of you as a caring person. Now it is all up to you. We hope you recognize the predicament young Andrew has gotten into. Although his family wishes him well, they are looking forward to a large insurance settlement. Thus, we cannot rely on them to respond to our demands. You are Andrew’s last chance. Let your conscience be your guide and act accordingly.
You will be contacted very soon to determine your interest in providing salvation for Andrew. At that time, we will give you the details of the exchange.
The Telemarketers from Hell